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Keeping It Real

19 Dec

Friendships are difficult they almost mirror our personal relationships. Like most relationships, our friendships hit highs and lows. There may even be a time you feel like your growing apart. It happens…  That’s life…

But how do you confront those uncomfortable, awkward moments in friendship? By keeping it real… It is essential to any relationship to be upfront and honest. Sometimes you have to address that gorilla in the room.  Real friendships shouldn’t be afraid of confrontation. If you cant confront your friends or engage in real talk then you don’t need to be friends. I pride myself on being real with my girlfriends. Because at the end of the day I know our relationship is based on a solid foundation not a superficial one. I challenge you to think about your friendships and the base it stands on. Do you have real friends? Can you address those tough issues and still be friends?? Something to think about…

Simply Studded

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An Act Of Kindness….

5 Dec

So today in Church my pastor talked about the importance of being the word and not just saying the words. To explain what that exactly means is to let your actions reflect the words you speak. You can’t speak kindness and then show a mean spirit or attitude… You can speak love but always show hate. It is important to reflect your actions by the words you speak. This holiday season we were all challenged in Church to “Pay it forward”. If you see the movie you would understand this term.

The movie shows how one random act of kindness towards another can create an atmosphere of many people being kind to each other. So basically hold the door open for another, tell a stranger good morning, allow someone to cut you in line….. Just take time to do something for someone else with no expectations in mind. This holiday season I challenge you all to pay it forward and watch the blessings flow…..

Happy Holiday’s,

Simply Studded

Mommy Dearest….

28 Nov

The  relationship between a mother and child is a very interesting one. It can be full of love and affection, full of controversy and constant bickering over tedious things or seemingly distant. Over the years I felt like me and my mom were on a constant roller coaster of emotions. I never doubt her love for me but often questioned why was she so hard on me versus my other siblings. I thought logically she wanted me to exceed and do my best. But then I figured doesnt every mother want this for ALL their children??? I could never understand. As an adult I stopped questioning as I felt the answer would only lead to further uncertainty and more questions so I settle to take life as it is.

I see the dynamic relationship of mothers and their children  through many of my friends and it varies so differently. But at the core of it all I believe that mothers love at a level that not even the human mind can comprehend. Rachel Ray had a mother and son on her show. Over the years this overbearing mother wrote her son 1,800 letters of advice. This lead to him writing an award-winning book entitled S’mother where he details all the outrageous letters of his mother. A mother’s love knows no end. I want to hear your stories about your mothers and the unique relationships you share….

Finding Love In A Hopeless Place…

14 Nov

So you are a single parent looking for love…. How do you approach the dating market? For one there is a lot of hesitation. You are not only looking for a mate for you but a person who is going to be accepting of your child. If dating wasn’t hard enough, now you have to find a person who will love and treat your child with respect. First things first do your home work. As the old saying states “everything that glitters isn’t gold”.  I have worked in the area of Social Services for years in particular child abuse and child neglect. The majority of children who are abused are by either a step-parent, girlfriend or boyfriend. This is not to say that parent’s don’t abuse their own children it is just a higher rate with third-party adults.  It is important to do your history and not ignore the signs. I know this is a sensitive topic for many but it is a REAL topic that needs to be exposed.

Second be upfront… A lot of people hide the fact they have a child until they feel comfortable. I say keep it apart of conversation. You don’t have to introduce your child to your potential mate until you feel comfortable but it should be apart of conversation.   Let that individual know you have a child and what your expectations of he or she will be. That way you will know where the relationship is going rather than the blind leading the blind. It makes no sense investing time and energy if someone can not accept your child and the responsibilities that come a long with it.

Third is prepare your child for the potential of this new person in your life. Contrary to belief children have feelings too. When you are absolutely sure about your mate and know he or she is the one. Depending on your child’s age and developmental level you should begin discussions about your feelings about this person. Let your child know where this person stands in your life and discuss your childs feelings about this new person in your life. Often children feel neglected and disowned… This is the time to express to your child what they really mean in your life.

People become single parents for many reasons often not by choice however you can find love… Even in the most unlikely of places… Take your time, do your research, communicate and always remember to pray!!!

* I would like to hear from all my single parents about their experiences with dating… Please weigh in loves…

Ciao,

Simply Studded

Age Is Just A Number… Or Is It????

7 Nov

Many of us have heard this famous line time and time again “age is just a number“….. But when it comes to relationships how much does it really factor? When Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher made their relationship public they were under heavy scrutiny. Everyone wondered if there 15 year old age difference could span the end of time. With all the rumours of Ashton’s infidelity many wonder if his age played a part in it.

Think about it when your 25 years old a your mate is 32 years old that is a 7 year difference is that bad? Or your 16 years and your mate is 20 years old that is a 4 year difference is that acceptable? I think a lot of the concerns with age also plays with one’s level of maturity. You can have a 30 year old man who may not be at the level of maturity of a 21 year old man it truly depends on the individual.

Speaking from my own personal experience I am 30 years old and my boyfriend is 38 years old. In my past I would have never pictured myself with a man 8 years older than me. But I can honestly say “age is just a number“… In my opinion it all depends on how that person treats you, his/her level of maturity, and what their attributes are to the relationship. I can however say that age plays a huge part when you are talking about a minor dating an adult and vice versa. I would like to hear your perspective on this topic… How much does age play in the overall relationship? Share your success and horror stories I would love to hear from you all.

Ciao,

Simply Studded

Computer Love…

24 Oct

If you would have asked me five years ago about online dating, I would have replied “no freakin way, that right there  is for losers” In the age of club hoping, bar running, I would for sure run into a perspective partner. How easy is it to meet a man in the city that never sleeps? I would leave my Brooklyn apartment and by the time I reach the corner store I would have picked up about two numbers, about five “what’s-good ma“!, and three chicken head bird calls.  Now fast forward in time, with my stressful career that keeps me in the office  for 8 to 12 hours a day, and my refusal to stop and talk to strange man in the streets (with good reason). Ohh did I mention I stopped partying….when do I really have time to meet someone?

I did not start dating online because I was lonely or desperate. It was more like a dare! I was on the phone with one of my still single girlfriends, and she stated that the small town that she lived in, there was a shortage of men. She wanted to meet someone far away (long distance relationship) and felt that I should do the same after my break-up. I thought why not? What was there to lose? All my co-workers were doing it, and they were really successful at it I might add.  So I went through with the long profile, even longer questions, sexy picture and yes $25 for a monthly rate (used a coupon). I came to realize that online dating has come a long way. A lot of people think online dating is only utilized by people who can not find a partner, and view it as a last resort of dating, like some final attempt to finding “the one”. The pool of eligible bachelors is getting slimmer quickly. Truth be told, regular, working, frustrated singles are searching for love online and finding success from all age groups, all races, all religions. OMG  I was so surprised to see that there is an online dating service for everyone.

To be honest with you, Internet dating has definitely spiced up my life. In the first week I have emailed and talked to so many men from all over. I always get a little rush of adrenaline when someone new emails me, or I email someone and they actually respond. I simply call it “Shopping for a man”.

I must admit, although tempting to meet all of them, I only met up with one guy from online. Who turned out to be the sweetest, and is so different from the men that I have dated (who knows where this might lead). Most of the men I have emailed or spoken too have been nice, interesting, attractive, or some combination of all three minus the bull shit games. Online dating has provided me with the option of “time”. Time to get to know that person with the late night phone calls and the emails. That time allows me to be comfortable into taking the next step to meeting the person. The one constant thing that I realized with the men that I communicated with is that there is no place for games. It’s a service that you pay for and you are hoping everyone is there for the same reason, and that is to meet someone.  Also I believe in online dating because they give us access to a much wider population of potential partners, they improve the odds. It took me out of my comfort zone, and opened me up to meeting men that I normally would not talk to. I said it before and I will say it again dating is supposed to be fun, the goal is meeting and exploring new things, and hopefully the end result you will come out with a winner. If you don’t take that step and exploring outside your box, how do you know what you like and don’t like?

I would definitely recommend online dating, but just like dating in person, use caution.

HAPPY DATING……..

I kiss and tell…..

17 Oct

Ever had a kiss so passionate, so sexy you thought you were in one of those romantic movies? Where everything was right on point from the timing, to the way he held you while planting that lasting impression on you? That first kiss can be the starting point of telling you everything you need to know about that person, from how they move their tongue in your mouth, to how their lips feel on top of yours. If the kiss is done right you feel as if the whole world has stopped around you, and it’s just you two. Kissing can express sentiments of “love, passion, affection, among many others.

Why is kissing important to women?

 Kissing is an intimate act, usually the first between a man and women. A kiss is important because that’s how we connect with someone we’re interested in and what makes us feel that he’s connecting back. It is an expression of one’s desires. But if a man’s kissing skills are “wack”, then he could expect to be dropped. We all have experienced that bad kisser. The person who doesn’t know what to do with his tongue or seems to have “flood issues” inside his mouth “ yuck”. The person who seems to be kissing everywhere on your face (chin, nose) but your mouth. Or how about the loser who while kissing you, you notice you don’t have access to your mouth anymore because he swallowed it or is holding it hostage. How could I ever forget about the stink breath kisser? It’s so bad that after the kiss, it feel like YOU have bad breath for a week. The stink breath kisser tops my “hell na” list. The way a man kisses means everything to me. You know the saying “good food is the key to a man’s heart”, well I say “passionate kisser is the key to the ladies panties”. LOL

Kissing is a skill that can be learned so don’t give up hope…. yet. Here are a couple of tips to making that kiss a great “pantie dropper” one.

“Lap Kiss

While your partner is laying with his/her head in your lap, lean over and kiss her/him. Your bottom lip will be on your partner’s top lip, and vise versa. You can even French kiss while in this position. This kiss is a playful kiss, and it can lead to much more.

“Breath to Breath”

In a hot moment – creates major anticipation – barely touch lips with lips slightly parted… then breathe your partner’s breath… moving heads slowly to experience different sensations…  lips touching on and off slightly… it is a very teasing sort of kiss and builds passion tremendously.

Suck on this

This can be a very seductive type of kiss. Instead of French Kissing with your mouth open, while your partner’s lips are parted suck on their top our bottom lip with your own, just for a second or two. Then go back to another type of kiss or try the other lip.

Nibble on this”

This type of kiss has to be done carefully, but when done correctly can create a wonderful effect on your partner. While suck kissing, gently bite their lip, but be VERY gentle so as not to hurt your partner.

Sigh Kiss”

When you first start kissing your partner gently lick their lips with the tip of your tongue.  Then blow or sigh into their lips, causing a tingling feeling that will intensify your kiss for sure.

Tongue Tease”

When you’re French kissing, if/when you pull back, and before your mouths meet again, you can flick your tongue up and down quickly against the other person who is doing the same.  It’s very teasing and fun to see how long it lasts.  It’s hard to resist going strong after a while of flicking.

I know which kiss is my favorite, but I’m curious to know which one is your favorite kiss?

You better shop around

10 Oct

Recently I find myself back into the dating pool after ending two years of courtship with someone. The relationship didn’t work out, and I got hurt, I think I even hurt him. I battle with the possibility of starting over AGAIN. Relationships are complicated and difficult, sometimes just right ugly. The worst is when someone is asked to get back up, dust your self off and “start over.”  But what exactly does that mean? The thought of starting over with someone new is nerve-racking,  you start to wonder if you are really ready for another relationship.

Is it ever too soon to start dating again?

We’ve all had a long-term relationship that may or may not have suffered a painful ending, or perhaps it’s no ones fault and it just stalled and failed. One of the worst things you can do after a failed relationship is to dwell on it. Of course you will spend every waking moment thinking about your EX. If you really cared about your EX you wonder about what was and what could have been. The best advice I can share with you is too leave the relationship behind you as quickly as you can. “Who is she fooling you might say to yourself”? Trust me I know it’s easier said then done. The best way to do this is to allow your grief to run its course, because that’s what it is. You’ve lost somebody you love or loved, and you may need time to grieve for what’s gone.

I truly think it’s also important to take time to examine what happened during the relationship so you can learn from your mistakes. It’s all too easy to wallow in bitter, angry thoughts. If you can channel those thoughts constructively in order to learn from this failed relationship, you can prevent the same thing happening to your next one. And don’t worry, you will have another relationship, (life doesn’t suck that bad). Though it may not feel like it, the world hasn’t ended just because your relationship has.

Let’s just say I have grieved long enough. I am so ready to see what this dating world has to offer a young, educated, sexy thing like me lol.  I take dating as a game, and just like any other game, there are rules you need to study, learn and follow. Number one rule is SAFETY FIRST, I have a designated friend I text the following information to (name, number, plates). Yes I said his plate’s lol. And every so often I would text her my location. (if you knew some of mine and friends dating stories you would see fit to do the same)

 I always try to enjoy myself on dates. Yes, finding your soul mate is serious business, and it can sometimes even be a scary endeavor, but keep in mind that this is supposed to be fun!

I stay positive, even when dates don’t end well. It is most certainly true that you will date a few frogs before you find a prince. Along the way, you will probably meet some pretty nice people.

Dating requires action, so get out there and meet as many people as you can. Last but not lease, never leave your home empty-handed. Bring cash not to pay for the bill, no no no…(there is nothing wrong with paying the bill ladies, this is just not the time for it)….the extra cash is  just in case you need to make a run for it.

Cutting out all the EX-tras

3 Oct

Most  have experienced this, but  I wanted to share this with you from my point of view. Picture this, you meet this great person and after a couple of months of dating you start to think that maybe this is it. You start planning for your future, you put your infamous “little black book” away (never throw it away lol). You start to attend functions together as a couple, you even take the big step in moving in together. Now your vocabulary has changed from “I” to now “US”. You meet his family and naturally they love you (why wouldn’t they, you are just awesome) he meets yours and they get along well for the most part. Future looks promising.

UNTIL……….One day things don’t look and feel so happy anymore. It hurts you to think it, but you come to the conclusion that this relationship you’ve worked so hard on and  invested in is now falling apart right before your very eyes. You have no choice but to go your separate ways.

When you break up with an EX do you also break up with their Ex-tras/family?

Breaking up with someone you once shared intimacy with is  never easy. It’s even more difficult when you’ve formed a close and special bond with the family members. At one point It seemed as if you spend more time with the family then with the person you were with. When you’ve been with someone for a long time you both become intertwined in each others lives. The rules when it comes to break up’s is confusing. I can’t even begin to explain the “Do’s and Don’t, and rules and regulations of this.  I struggle with this only because I would like to think that if we broke up then I’m still “allowed” to see your family. You may think I’m spoiled, unrealistic and like things my way. Then I would have to say maybe you spoke to my EX, LOL. My feeling is just because you and I didn’t work out, doesn’t mean me and your family didn’t work. At the end of the day you were the problem not them…..(still recovering from my break-up sorry) LOL

I still have a descent relationship with my EX, and I remembered asking his permission to still speak and see his family after we broke up. At first this concept was really hard for him to understand. He questioned my agenda as to why I still wanted to be part of their lives. Out of anger he said to me ” when you break up with someone you leave their family alone“. I was really hurt by that. He knew the closeness of the relationship I shared with them. My Ex’s family made sure to convey to me that I will always be considered family and he knew that. Was he doing that out of anger, hate, or pure jealousy? I may never know, but it is what it is, and it was what it was going to be. I wanted to respect his decision. Truth be told  it was because of him I knew them. So ultimately I did what I was told and fell back.

Part of life is that some people are not meant to stay in it for a long time. I also believe you meet people for a reason. We learn a lot and gain something from every person we encounter.  It is very important that you respect people’s boundaries and respect their wishes.  If there was no problem and if the relationship is amicable, why trash relationships if there is no need too, i.e. the family. And if the Ex wants to be an “Ass” about it, always remember  life will go on, and new, and hopefully even better, people come into your lives.

I would like to add that after we both got past the hate and the confusion of the demise of our relationship. We made a grown-up decision to allow one another to remain in contact with each other’s families in moderation of course. I can’t take away the relationship he has with my family, and the same goes for him to me. I have the up most respect for him and his family and he has that for mine. We  respect each others boundaries and will not cross the line. In a way we signed an “invisible divorce contract.” (Now the rules that we came up with is just another article).

How do you feel about your Ex  still being in contact with your family? 

Such High Expectations!

26 Sep

Last week I posted on our “simplystudded” Facebook page a question for all to consider. “Is your taste in a mate the same today as it was 10 years ago?”  Which made me think of what my expectations were in a mate. I even started to question if my expectations were even too low back then or too high now.

In my late teens and well into my early twenties, I thought of myself as being young, smart, sexy, and full of energy. My middle name was even “fun-tastic”. Not to say I am not like that now…..I’m just all of that in moderation!!!! I made it a point to find a mate that shared  the same characteristics. My motto was as long as he was cute likes to party, and doesn’t mind showing me a good time  I was all in. Those days were what I called my “bad boy stage”  Ohh how I loved my bad boy stage.  I even had a relationship expiration date. Nothing went past the six months mark.

Fast forward to 10 years, I’m spiritual, stable, have a career, and have my own I now find myself saying “been there done that” and damn it I want more!! But is more asking for too much? I once had a list of 25 attributes that I wanted a man to have in order to be with me. As the years went by I’m sadden by the fact that my list has gotten shorter and shorter. I think it’s because I felt my expectations were a little high and the men I was meeting possibly could not live up to it. So I looked past certain things kind of short-changing myself giving the person I was with a chance.

I realize now that there is nothing wrong with setting high expectations in anything you do especially when it comes to finding that special person you plan to spend the rest of your life with. But  I also find nothing wrong with possibly compromising  what is on your list. There are certain things that can easily be over looked and I can do without or can be worked on. And there are things that I find of high importance and I refuse to compromise on, such as (spiritual GOD fearing man, financial security, good family man, intimacy connection, and most of all respect). Once those are in place everything else I can work with.

So I ask you. Do you think you have high expectation when it comes to finding your mate? Do you have a list of what you would like in your mate? And if so are you willing to compromise?